My Ugly Friends

I have a confession.

I only want to have ugly friends. Ugly Friends make me feel better about myself.

I've had a lot of different friends in my life. I've gone to movies with a bunch of folks, shared drinks with plenty of people, and chatted about life. And Pretty People are fun to do those things with. "Sure! Let's go grab lunch and catch up!" And then we have a nice conversation about the surfacey bits of life and go our separate ways. Pretty People are great to have around when you want to talk about the pretty parts of life.

But as I've gotten older, and, perhaps more importantly, as I've gotten healthier, I have less and less energy to give to the Pretty People and the Pretty conversations and the Pretty parts of life. Because, I don't know if you've noticed this or not, but life isn't always so pretty. And this is why I love my Ugly Friends.

Ugly Friends are the ones who are there when life isn't pretty. Ugly Friends are not easily scared off by the magnitude of your mess. Ugly Friends will see you hit rock bottom and crawl beside you to lay down.

To Pretty People we say "I'm fine. I'll make it. I can handle it." And they always say "You will. You're tough. You've got this." Empty cheers from the sidelines. 

To Ugly Friends we say, "I'm not ok. I'm not going to make it. I can't handle this." And they always say, "I'm with you. I'm here. Let's do it together."  They don't cheer. They put on their helmet and come running off the bench.

The healthier you become, the more likely you are to have Ugly Friends. Because once you've experienced how real and safe and comfortable Ugly Friends can be, you won't pour yourself into as many pretty and put together people. We get to a point where we are tired of the show. Tired of being perfect. Tired of pretending that we know what we're doing and that the curve balls didn't phase us. We want people who will show up when it's not convenient, who will tell us the hard truth, and who will show us relentless grace in the face of our messiest moments. We want to come apart with people who will hold our pieces for us, and then sit by us as we put them back together. 

Ugly Friends create sacred space for our biggest struggles, our most embarrassing failures, our greatest fears, and our hideous thoughts. They make themselves safe for us, because when we bring them the very worst of ourselves, they allow space for it without losing sight of our whole. There is no judgement or expectation. There is no sugar coating or placating. Ugly Friends manage to still see our greatest strength when we show them our deepest struggle. 

I only want to have Ugly Friends. They make me feel better about myself.