If It Ain't Broke...

I’m in my sixth year of private counseling practice, and while some things about sitting in that chair have become so much easier, listening to people’s brokenness will likely never lose its intrigue for me. The thought had haunted me for years that maybe I was the only one who struggled to get her act together, and maybe it was just me that made a great big mess of life over and over again, but going through my own therapy, and then becoming a counselor for individuals and families, placed directly in my line of sight the stark reality that everybody is broken.

And it never fails, that as my client is sitting across from me pouring out the most vulnerable bits of their story, that they say something self deprecating, implying that surely, they must be the most broken person I’ve ever come in contact with.

Everyone is convinced that they are the worst case scenario.

It reminds me of a story.

A couple of years ago, my husband and I found ourselves short a vehicle. Financially, we weren’t in a position to just go out and get another car, so my father let us borrow their spare: a 1995 green Subaru Legacy. The air conditioning didn’t work, it smelled like it was on fire, and it shimmied like a shake weight, but it got from point A to point B.

Our basic need was met, but I have to admit that driving down the road in a green, smokey mess wasn’t the most appealing solution to our problem. Over the course of the next few months our financial situation shifted towards the positive, and we quickly decided it was time to buy a new car.

And then came the “gotcha.” Gotchas are those unexpected events that pop up at the most inconvenient of times. It usually involves paying someone a large sum of money that you weren’t prepared to pay, to fix or replace something that you find no joy in fixing or replacing. Think water heater, sewer line, mold remediation, or accountant. Ugh. We found ourselves in the midst of a “gotcha” that day, and long story short, buying a car was no longer an option.

That day, we felt that we were a worst case scenario, and the vulnerability of that was almost too much to bare. As we made our way home trying to avoid panic attacks and meltdowns, my father became the voice of reason.

“Just keep driving the Demon. We could patch that thing up for years and it will run. It’s free, and it may not be the prettiest thing driving down the street, but it will work ok. It’s bought and paid for.”

So until we could reorganize everything one more time, that’s exactly what we did. And we were thankful. It most definitely wasn’t comfortable, but it’s hard to complain about something that is paid for.

Through this experience, something became very apparent to me. There are some people who only see the brokenness in others. They look at people and see their mess, their shortcomings, and their smelliness before anything else. They see the lies and the scandal. They focus on the past and the perception. They salivate over the dysfunction and the details. People just love a good train wreck.

But God is different.

Sure, He sees your mess. Yes, he sees the long road of healing ahead of you. But before any of that, before any little speck of your brokenness, He sees your worth. He sees someone He loves, and He sees someone He sent His son to die for.

And He sent Him for all of us: the meek, the broken, the weary, the weird, and the wild.

The longer I sit with clients, the more I realize that we as a whole, spend entirely too much of our energy judging the brokenness of others, when what we are called to do is to love. My desire as a counselor is to be someone who gets it, who can see WHO Christ died for before they see WHY he had to. I want to be the person who encounters someone’s brokenness and is unphased by how far they have to go, because I know of a God who calls them worthy of redemption along the way. I want to worship with other Christians who are redefining the societal view of Christianity by loving others in the midst of their mess.

You aren’t the only one. All of us are broken, and all of us need healing. But I’ve learned something:

It doesn’t matter that you’re broken.

It only matters that you’re paid for.

10 Signs You May Need Marriage Counseling

On nearly every intake form in nearly every therapist’s office, there is a line labeled “Reason for your visit.” It’s the spot where potential clients are supposed to write down that someone had an affair or someone has threatened to leave the marriage, or that someone has an addiction that has become a third party in the relationship. These issue are commonplace in a therapist’s office. However, 99% of potential clients write the same two words on that line. “Communication Issues.” It never fails that when I dig a little deeper, there are much more deeply rooted issues than communication problems, yet that’s how most people will sum up their marital distress. Most couples will wait until they are coming apart at the seams to seek help, and often, the point of no return has passed them by while they were fighting too loudly to notice. However, every now and then, a couple will come in and say, “Things aren’t too bad. We just want to make them better,” and I want to stand up in my chair and do an Arsenio Hall impression in honor of their maturity.

Since a lot of couples don’t tend to deal with marital issues until they are deep in crisis, here is a Top 10 list of warning signs that you might consider going to marriage counseling as a proactive measure:

1. Issues never get resolved. The fight ends and it’s not spoken of again until the next argument. Healthy resolution to marital issues means that everyone feels heard, validated, and cared for, and a compromise has been made or a solution birthed. If silence and then returning to normal is the eventual remedy to the majority of your fights, you may want to consider counseling.

2. “When it’s good it’s REALLY good, but when it’s bad it’s REALLY bad.” I’ve heard this from so many couples, and I’ve even said it in past relationships. Before experiencing the peace of a healthy relationship, I thought this roller coaster was normal. It may be common, but it’s most definitely not healthy, and it leads to a bad place with bigger issues. Eventually the bad times will take over. Healthy relationships can be described as at least “pretty good” for the majority of the time. Extremes are a sign of distress.

3. Sexual intimacy is unfulfilling, lacking, or non-existent. For some couples, issues in the bedroom are a wildly waving red flag that bigger problems are coming for them. Sex isn’t always going to be convenient or passionate, but if it ceases to be a priority or there is little discussion about how to make this part of the marriage more fulfilling, there may be other issues beneath the surface.

4. One partner has complete control of the finances without the other partner’s input or knowledge. In an unhealthy relationship, money can easily = power and control. If one person is in charge of all of it and there is no communication or shared financial goals, the other partner may fall victim to anxiety and distrust. Both partners should always have full access to and complete knowledge of where money is going, even if one person is designated as the bill payer.

5. There is no priority on quality couple time. It’s entirely too easy these days to get caught up in your children and their many activities. Solid marital health depends on carving out time specifically for mom and dad to spend alone together. This can mean going on a date, cooking dinner together while children play in another room, watching a show together after the kids go to bed, or sending the kid’s to friends’ houses while you work in the yard. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. It just has to be a priority and it just has to be the two of you.

6. There are significant jealousy issues without cause. It’s one thing if your partner is a flirt and it drives you crazy. (That’s a whole other issue!) But when there are consistent fits of jealousy and no one is acting in an inappropriate way, there are bigger issues brewing. Take care of this issue while it’s little!

7. Parents or In-Laws are too involved in your personal, marital, or family business. It’s wonderful to have the support and involvement of your family in your lives. It’s valuable and precious. However, there needs to be a well-defined boundary in place. If you run to your mother every time there is an argument, or your father-in-law inflicts unwanted parenting advice, resentment may take root. Counseling may help you and your partner get on the same page with how to deal with these family members and set healthy boundaries.

8. One partner could be described as “too emotional” and one partner could be described as “the silent type.” This dynamic is often present in couples as opposites really do attract. However, it can create significant communication issues and unmet needs. Counseling can help you learn how to communicate without resorting to these reactive extremes.

9. Fundamental disagreements about big issues such as parenting style, religion, and work ethic are a breeding ground for discontentment. Iron out these wrinkles before they become huge chasms of disconnect.

10. One partner feels they are doing all of the work. If you are working a job, coming home to fix dinner, doing laundry, and putting the kids to bed alone while your partner watches tv or plays video games, marriage can begin to feel less like a safe haven and more like an exhausting drain of your emotional and physical resources. It’s not uncommon to see couples where one partner does too much and the other doesn’t do enough. Balancing the labor is important to marital health, and counseling can assist you in these discussions.

Marriage therapy can be an invaluable tool to strengthen your relationship. It’s success will be much more likely if you use it to your advantage before the marriage has fallen apart. It’s much easier to redecorate than to rebuild!

Hot Potato, Hot Potato

My name is Sara, and I’m a recovering Impulse Addict.

Don’t Google it. It’s not a real thing. There’s no diagnostic code for it and no 12 step program to aid my recovery. I’m in the club alone.

Perhaps you know an Impulse Addict who might join me. Perhaps, Lord help you, you are one.

I didn’t set out to make the worst decisions possible for my life. In fact, I appeared to be a high functioning individual. I graduated in the top 10% of my high school class, went on mission trips with the youth group, made the Dean’s List in college, and I gave up flour and refined sugar LIKE A BOSS. But on the inside, I was a mess. I felt exposed, like the entire world could see every flaw and was collectively laughing at the train wreck I was. In order to avoid this internal shame and panic, I developed a coping skill that I now refer to as “Emotional Hot Potato.”

Emotional Hot Potato is when you experience a horribly uncomfortable emotion like loneliness, shame, or fear,  and in an attempt to escape the discomfort you give into the impulse to hurl the emotion towards the first distraction you think might help. Maybe it’s shopping, drinking, or running away. For me and many other women it was relationships. Feeling unloved and insecure? By all means, fling yourself recklessly into the arms of the first emotionally unstable man you can find. That’ll fix it.

Except that it won’t. I thought I was the only person who struggled to regulate her emotions, until I became a counselor and began sitting across from other women. They said the exact things that I thought at one time.

“I don’t understand why I do the things I do.”

“I don’t like that I’m such a nag, but if I don’t do it, nothing will happen.”

“I know I shouldn’t be with him, but I’m afraid there will never be anyone else.”

In my efforts towards Impulse Addiction Recovery, I have realized that the goal isn’t to fling the unpleasant emotions into the abyss and hope they never come back. I was under the impression that these emotions were my enemy. Fight the fear and the loneliness. Distract. Disable. THROW THEM AWAY. But in my journey towards health, I have learned that my emotions are not out to get me. They are a source of information about what I need. When I’m feeling lonely, I need healthy connection. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I need of self care. When I’m feeling disrespected, I need to use my voice. When you sit long enough in your emotions, they can help you find your freedom.

A recovering Impulse Addict knows how to put on an oven mitt and hold onto that hot potato of emotion in order to give it time to cool off. Once the intensity of the emotion lessens, it’s more manageable and easier to navigate. By slowing down and not reacting on impulse, I can use all of my faculties to make a decision out of wisdom and clarity. This might mean choosing a better relationship partner, making wiser financial investments, or speaking to my children out of love instead of frustration.

Perhaps you’ve spent an entire lifetime playing emotional hot potato, and years of trying not to feel what you’re feeling is exhausting. Maybe you’ve spent some time in my own personal version of hell entitled, “how did I get myself here?” Are you struggling with the overwhelming intensity of your emotions and the impulse to hurl them away from you?

It doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to play this game.

Perhaps, friend, it’s time for you to acknowledge your impulse addiction, to arm yourself with your oven mitt, and hold on, maybe for this day, this hour, or just for this minute.

Slow down, and just hold on. In being still, the calm will come.

“A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dear Single Momma

A couple of weeks ago, my husband snuck into conversation that he had a work trip coming up. He sheepishly told me the destination (on the other side of the world) and the duration (too many days), and I immediately responded the way that all good therapist wives respond to unwelcome information.

I looked at him like this...

...and walked out of the room. Y'all. I'm precious. 

The thing is, I've become very dependent on my husband since our marriage. When it comes to the daily grind, we are a championship team. We both pull our weight, and we get massive amounts of things accomplished. I never feel alone on the island, and I REALLY LOVE IT THAT WAY! So when he's all "I gotta go to another country...it's for work...they are making me.." this is sort of how I do life...

Nailed it! 

When he leaves, my brain becomes full with all of the things that I normally do in addition to all of the things he does, and while I can do it, I really don't want to. 

But here's the thing. I used to do it all the time. I was a single mom when I started graduate school, and a single mom when I graduated. For a good little chunk of time, I was the only one making the money, paying the bills, getting the mail, mowing the yard, bathing the kid, reading the bedtime stories, packing the lunches, and doing all the things. I was working full time and going to classes and being a mom. I remember times when I had to schedule my showers, because they didn't organically fit anywhere in my day. Whenever my husband leaves town, I'm reminded of those sacred days, and I recall the running and the being and the doing, and I have no freaking idea how I did it. And then it hits me, "Oh yeah, I had an entire village!" 

Y'all. Supermom I am not. I had SO.MUCH.HELP. I had a supportive ex husband who I was parenting with. I had solid former in-laws who were present and helpful. I had ever-available parents who showed up over and over and over again. I am proud of my accomplishment of finishing graduate school...

and sometimes I felt so lonely, but I never had to do it alone. 

As I've sat with so many women embarking on single parenting, and so many of you feel so alone on this journey. Some of you are shouldering the weight of the world, and you don't have a village. You're hustling every day for your babies. You're showing up and making ends meet and taking kids to ball practice and ballet. You're scheduling bill pays and putting together last minute costumes for the third grade wax museum. You're cooking and cleaning and bandaging scraped knees and pulling off magical birthday parties on a shoestring budget. You're talking to teachers and going to school meetings and then running back to work to meet a deadline.

You might have days where you are lonely, and you wonder if you'll ever have a life. You may be struggling to be patient with your challenging child. Maybe you're tired or resentful or wrung out. Maybe you have even thought about giving up, throwing in the towel, and running away. There have been so many hard days. But somehow, you have survived every single one of them. You keep going, and you keep showing up, and you keep getting things done, because you're the real super hero. 

They might not know how to thank you now, but you are being a warrior for your children, and it matters so so much. You're a ROCK, even when you feel weak. You're a SAFE PLACE even when you feel undone. You're their FUTURE, even when you feel your wheels spinning. You are accomplishing amazing, life-giving things. You do not have to be pretty or perfect or put together. You need only to be present. 

I see you, Single Momma. You are doing hard things. I am cheering for you, and I am praying for your tides to turn. 

My Ugly Friends

I have a confession.

I only want to have ugly friends. Ugly Friends make me feel better about myself.

I've had a lot of different friends in my life. I've gone to movies with a bunch of folks, shared drinks with plenty of people, and chatted about life. And Pretty People are fun to do those things with. "Sure! Let's go grab lunch and catch up!" And then we have a nice conversation about the surfacey bits of life and go our separate ways. Pretty People are great to have around when you want to talk about the pretty parts of life.

But as I've gotten older, and, perhaps more importantly, as I've gotten healthier, I have less and less energy to give to the Pretty People and the Pretty conversations and the Pretty parts of life. Because, I don't know if you've noticed this or not, but life isn't always so pretty. And this is why I love my Ugly Friends.

Ugly Friends are the ones who are there when life isn't pretty. Ugly Friends are not easily scared off by the magnitude of your mess. Ugly Friends will see you hit rock bottom and crawl beside you to lay down.

To Pretty People we say "I'm fine. I'll make it. I can handle it." And they always say "You will. You're tough. You've got this." Empty cheers from the sidelines. 

To Ugly Friends we say, "I'm not ok. I'm not going to make it. I can't handle this." And they always say, "I'm with you. I'm here. Let's do it together."  They don't cheer. They put on their helmet and come running off the bench.

The healthier you become, the more likely you are to have Ugly Friends. Because once you've experienced how real and safe and comfortable Ugly Friends can be, you won't pour yourself into as many pretty and put together people. We get to a point where we are tired of the show. Tired of being perfect. Tired of pretending that we know what we're doing and that the curve balls didn't phase us. We want people who will show up when it's not convenient, who will tell us the hard truth, and who will show us relentless grace in the face of our messiest moments. We want to come apart with people who will hold our pieces for us, and then sit by us as we put them back together. 

Ugly Friends create sacred space for our biggest struggles, our most embarrassing failures, our greatest fears, and our hideous thoughts. They make themselves safe for us, because when we bring them the very worst of ourselves, they allow space for it without losing sight of our whole. There is no judgement or expectation. There is no sugar coating or placating. Ugly Friends manage to still see our greatest strength when we show them our deepest struggle. 

I only want to have Ugly Friends. They make me feel better about myself.