Hot Potato, Hot Potato

My name is Sara, and I’m a recovering Impulse Addict.

Don’t Google it. It’s not a real thing. There’s no diagnostic code for it and no 12 step program to aid my recovery. I’m in the club alone.

Perhaps you know an Impulse Addict who might join me. Perhaps, Lord help you, you are one.

I didn’t set out to make the worst decisions possible for my life. In fact, I appeared to be a high functioning individual. I graduated in the top 10% of my high school class, went on mission trips with the youth group, made the Dean’s List in college, and I gave up flour and refined sugar LIKE A BOSS. But on the inside, I was a mess. I felt exposed, like the entire world could see every flaw and was collectively laughing at the train wreck I was. In order to avoid this internal shame and panic, I developed a coping skill that I now refer to as “Emotional Hot Potato.”

Emotional Hot Potato is when you experience a horribly uncomfortable emotion like loneliness, shame, or fear,  and in an attempt to escape the discomfort you give into the impulse to hurl the emotion towards the first distraction you think might help. Maybe it’s shopping, drinking, or running away. For me and many other women it was relationships. Feeling unloved and insecure? By all means, fling yourself recklessly into the arms of the first emotionally unstable man you can find. That’ll fix it.

Except that it won’t. I thought I was the only person who struggled to regulate her emotions, until I became a counselor and began sitting across from other women. They said the exact things that I thought at one time.

“I don’t understand why I do the things I do.”

“I don’t like that I’m such a nag, but if I don’t do it, nothing will happen.”

“I know I shouldn’t be with him, but I’m afraid there will never be anyone else.”

In my efforts towards Impulse Addiction Recovery, I have realized that the goal isn’t to fling the unpleasant emotions into the abyss and hope they never come back. I was under the impression that these emotions were my enemy. Fight the fear and the loneliness. Distract. Disable. THROW THEM AWAY. But in my journey towards health, I have learned that my emotions are not out to get me. They are a source of information about what I need. When I’m feeling lonely, I need healthy connection. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I need of self care. When I’m feeling disrespected, I need to use my voice. When you sit long enough in your emotions, they can help you find your freedom.

A recovering Impulse Addict knows how to put on an oven mitt and hold onto that hot potato of emotion in order to give it time to cool off. Once the intensity of the emotion lessens, it’s more manageable and easier to navigate. By slowing down and not reacting on impulse, I can use all of my faculties to make a decision out of wisdom and clarity. This might mean choosing a better relationship partner, making wiser financial investments, or speaking to my children out of love instead of frustration.

Perhaps you’ve spent an entire lifetime playing emotional hot potato, and years of trying not to feel what you’re feeling is exhausting. Maybe you’ve spent some time in my own personal version of hell entitled, “how did I get myself here?” Are you struggling with the overwhelming intensity of your emotions and the impulse to hurl them away from you?

It doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to play this game.

Perhaps, friend, it’s time for you to acknowledge your impulse addiction, to arm yourself with your oven mitt, and hold on, maybe for this day, this hour, or just for this minute.

Slow down, and just hold on. In being still, the calm will come.

“A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson