On nearly every intake form in nearly every therapist’s office, there is a line labeled “Reason for your visit.” It’s the spot where potential clients are supposed to write down that someone had an affair or someone has threatened to leave the marriage, or that someone has an addiction that has become a third party in the relationship. These issue are commonplace in a therapist’s office. However, 99% of potential clients write the same two words on that line. “Communication Issues.” It never fails that when I dig a little deeper, there are much more deeply rooted issues than communication problems, yet that’s how most people will sum up their marital distress. Most couples will wait until they are coming apart at the seams to seek help, and often, the point of no return has passed them by while they were fighting too loudly to notice. However, every now and then, a couple will come in and say, “Things aren’t too bad. We just want to make them better,” and I want to stand up in my chair and do an Arsenio Hall impression in honor of their maturity.
Since a lot of couples don’t tend to deal with marital issues until they are deep in crisis, here is a Top 10 list of warning signs that you might consider going to marriage counseling as a proactive measure:
1. Issues never get resolved. The fight ends and it’s not spoken of again until the next argument. Healthy resolution to marital issues means that everyone feels heard, validated, and cared for, and a compromise has been made or a solution birthed. If silence and then returning to normal is the eventual remedy to the majority of your fights, you may want to consider counseling.
2. “When it’s good it’s REALLY good, but when it’s bad it’s REALLY bad.” I’ve heard this from so many couples, and I’ve even said it in past relationships. Before experiencing the peace of a healthy relationship, I thought this roller coaster was normal. It may be common, but it’s most definitely not healthy, and it leads to a bad place with bigger issues. Eventually the bad times will take over. Healthy relationships can be described as at least “pretty good” for the majority of the time. Extremes are a sign of distress.
3. Sexual intimacy is unfulfilling, lacking, or non-existent. For some couples, issues in the bedroom are a wildly waving red flag that bigger problems are coming for them. Sex isn’t always going to be convenient or passionate, but if it ceases to be a priority or there is little discussion about how to make this part of the marriage more fulfilling, there may be other issues beneath the surface.
4. One partner has complete control of the finances without the other partner’s input or knowledge. In an unhealthy relationship, money can easily = power and control. If one person is in charge of all of it and there is no communication or shared financial goals, the other partner may fall victim to anxiety and distrust. Both partners should always have full access to and complete knowledge of where money is going, even if one person is designated as the bill payer.
5. There is no priority on quality couple time. It’s entirely too easy these days to get caught up in your children and their many activities. Solid marital health depends on carving out time specifically for mom and dad to spend alone together. This can mean going on a date, cooking dinner together while children play in another room, watching a show together after the kids go to bed, or sending the kid’s to friends’ houses while you work in the yard. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. It just has to be a priority and it just has to be the two of you.
6. There are significant jealousy issues without cause. It’s one thing if your partner is a flirt and it drives you crazy. (That’s a whole other issue!) But when there are consistent fits of jealousy and no one is acting in an inappropriate way, there are bigger issues brewing. Take care of this issue while it’s little!
7. Parents or In-Laws are too involved in your personal, marital, or family business. It’s wonderful to have the support and involvement of your family in your lives. It’s valuable and precious. However, there needs to be a well-defined boundary in place. If you run to your mother every time there is an argument, or your father-in-law inflicts unwanted parenting advice, resentment may take root. Counseling may help you and your partner get on the same page with how to deal with these family members and set healthy boundaries.
8. One partner could be described as “too emotional” and one partner could be described as “the silent type.” This dynamic is often present in couples as opposites really do attract. However, it can create significant communication issues and unmet needs. Counseling can help you learn how to communicate without resorting to these reactive extremes.
9. Fundamental disagreements about big issues such as parenting style, religion, and work ethic are a breeding ground for discontentment. Iron out these wrinkles before they become huge chasms of disconnect.
10. One partner feels they are doing all of the work. If you are working a job, coming home to fix dinner, doing laundry, and putting the kids to bed alone while your partner watches tv or plays video games, marriage can begin to feel less like a safe haven and more like an exhausting drain of your emotional and physical resources. It’s not uncommon to see couples where one partner does too much and the other doesn’t do enough. Balancing the labor is important to marital health, and counseling can assist you in these discussions.
Marriage therapy can be an invaluable tool to strengthen your relationship. It’s success will be much more likely if you use it to your advantage before the marriage has fallen apart. It’s much easier to redecorate than to rebuild!
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