5 Questions that Could Change Your Marriage

There's a question that I often ask in the first session of couples therapy, and it almost always results in the couple looking at me the same way I looked at my Algebra II teacher all of junior year.

"How connected do you feel to each other?" 

It really shouldn't be a hard question, but our society isn't really set up to think this way, and it certainly isn't doing a great job of teaching people to communicate this way. It never fails that when I ask a couple how they communicate about their connection, they respond with, "we don't." 

Houston, we have a problem. 

Perhaps it's because I often see couples when they are dealing with crisis and hard times, (or maybe it has something to do with how familiar I am with divorce), but over the years I've come to place great value on keeping a pulse on my marriage. I started to notice themes in the communication deficits that my clients were experiencing. I began asking my husband certain questions to gauge how well our relationship was thriving, and in turn he would ask me the questions as well. This led to discussion, which led to increased efforts or slight tweaks that made our connection more intimate and our marriage more solid. These questions have become a way of life for us, and I want to share them with you.

5 Questions that Could Change Your Marriage

1. How connected do you feel to me? 

You might get an Algebra look at first, but with some additional context, your partner should be able to respond to you. "You matter to me and I want us to be as strong as possible, so I'm curious if you feel as connected to me as you want to, and if not let's figure out what we need to do differently." Maybe you have gotten a little bit lost in the daily grind of life, or maybe you just haven't made much quality time for one another, but it's pretty easy to experience disconnects in our relationships. By shining a spotlight on this aspect of your relationship, you will create normalcy around addressing disconnecting and shoring up intimacy. Checking in with each other occasionally in this matter causes you both to be more intentional about protecting your marriage. 

2. What do you need tonight?

Sometimes after a long day, we need a little time to recharge in order to show up and be our best selves. Maybe we need some alone time to decompress. Maybe we need some quality time with our spouse. It's possible that we need to get the kids in bed and then spend time on a personal hobby or reading a good book. Maybe we need to get rid of some energy with some great sex, or we might need to be quiet with a glass of wine. Whatever the answer is to that question, being intentional about checking in with each other to see what we need for the night provides incredible amounts of safety and communicates that we care about supporting each other. If I have a wildly shitty day and Jonathan asks me what I need for the evening, I instantly feel 1. that he has my back and 2. that it's ok for me to be a little bit messy and need things. By asking your partner what they need, you're saying "I care about meeting that need and I am here for you." Who couldn't use more of that?! 

3. What do you need to do to take care of yourself?

Self Care. We all need it! By asking your partner what they need to do to take care of themselves, you are creating space for them to recharge and communicating that you are invested in them as a whole person. It doesn't take long for daily life to get exhausting, especially if you have jobs, and kids, and a list of obligations and bills and to-dos that you have to take care of. To be whole and healthy, we have to take time to self care, and having a partner that will encourage you to do so is such a gift. By asking them what they need to do for themselves, we are intentionally making room for both of us to self care. When my husband answers "I need to get away and play golf," I can happily encourage him to do so, because last week when I said "I need to go have dinner and drinks with my friends," he held down the fort so that I could. A mutual focus on self care makes us better people and better partners. 

4. What would you change about our sex life? 

Having a solid sex life is a vital part of connection and intimacy within a marriage. If you have it, it's sort of like icing on the marital cake, but if you don't, one or both of you could end up feeling starved. By intentionally asking questions about your partner's level of sexual fulfillment, you're communicating that you care about what they need and that it's a priority to you to make adjustments. You might need a frequency change, more spontaneity, more passion, quality over quantity, or simply the ability to say "not tonight" without it being taken as rejection. By periodically checking in on your sex life and working together to make adjustments, you create stronger sexual safety in your relationship and show your partner that you value that intimate connection that you share. 

5. What do you need from me that I'm not doing? 

If we're brave enough to ask this question, we have to be strong enough to stomach the answer. Criticism, even when it is constructive, can be tough to swallow, but it's so important to be pliable in relationships. The whole point of a relationship is to meet each other's needs, to be "their person," and to know that your person has your back. By checking in to see how we could step up our game, we communicate "I do have your back. I am your person. Your needs matter to me." We may have to swallow our pride on this one and learn to be more appreciative or less nagging. And our partner may need to hear that we need more support or to have the romance cranked up just a bit. It may be tough to take, but by creating space for this conversation, we also create space for stronger connection. It's worth it!